


I'm not Me without You

by GeorgieThatter



Category: Take That
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 13:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeorgieThatter/pseuds/GeorgieThatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back in the 90s, everything seemed fine, everyone was happy, but that was a lie. Deep down underneath the surface, things were not as they seemed, especially between Mark and Robbie. Now, ten years later, it was time to re-visit those dark days of the past, a journey Mark was not looking forward to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not Me without You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Heaven's Falling](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1054333) by [PR Zed (przed)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/przed/pseuds/PR%20Zed). 



> I would like to thank PRZed for creating such a brilliant video that inspired me to write this story, I just hope I have done it justice.

_Is this really happening?_ I think to myself as I pull on my jacket and check my appearance in the mirror. All of us back together again, after all these years, it’s finally happened. I’m happy of course, I mean, long lost friends being reunited, but there was one person who I was dreading to set eyes on again, let alone be in the same room with. Robbie.   
  
I’d missed him, of course I had, but that heart-shattering feeling had been washed away as the years went by and so did all the pain with it. However, now I was going to see him again, meaning all the pain was going to come back, all the memories too, and I didn’t know if I could face all of that, if I could even face Robbie at all. I don’t know whether I was scared of him of just scared of everything that would come flooding back the second I see him. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I would soon find out, I couldn’t let the others down.   
  
As I walked out of my hotel room and onto the bustling streets of LA, I began to wonder what it would be like to see Robbie again, and as my mind filled with these questions, old memories started to gradually fill my mind again. Some happy, some traumatising.

_1992_

_“Rob stop it! Stop it! Aaahhh!” I scream as Robbie persists to pin me to the floor of the rehearsal room and tickle me to death._

_“Not until you take back what you said!” Robbie yells back with a grin on his face, clearly enjoying seeing me suffer._

_“I never said anything!” I try to shout, but it’s overshadowed by my uncontrollable laughter as I try to roll on my side and bat him away._

_“Come on Rob, quit beating little kids up!” I hear Howard shout from a little way away, making the rest of the lads laugh._

_“Shove off Howard! I ain’t that short!” I shout at him after Robbie finally, although reluctantly, lets me free from his attacks and helps me to my feet._

_“You are Mark, don’t deny it” Gary chirps in._

_“I’m not that much shorter than you. You can’t talk Gaz” I tell him. “And at least I can dance” I add, sticking my tongue out at Gary’s reddening face._

_“You can’t dance as good as me though, can you Markie?” Jason teases, wrapping his arms around my neck and rubbing his fist in my hair while the others laugh._

_“Quit picking on me guys!” I say in mock annoyance, folding my arms and pretending to be upset._

_“Aww Markie we’re sorry” Robbie says in a childish voice, moving over to hug me tightly, soon followed by the rest of the lads._

_“Uh oh we lost him where is he!?” Howard shouts, yet another quip at my height._

_I feel my heart sink. Sure I enjoy the jokes, I laugh along with them and take the piss out of them too, but sometimes it gets to a point where it isn’t funny anymore and after having the jokes for most of the week I was starting getting pretty sick of it. When the lads disbanded, I could tell that Robbie was the only one who had sensed my change in mood, he was the only one who ever seemed to know what I was thinking and feeling more than the others, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was feeling bad that I was upset._

_“Mark can you come here a second? I need a little help” Gary emphasises the word ‘little’ in his sentence and I see Robbie’s face grow mad in the corner of my eye.  
  
“Yeah lay off now Gary it’s not funny anymore” Robbie tells him. _

_“What!? You’re the one who starts the jokes half the time!” Gary says jokily._

_“Yeah well I’m finishing it! Now leave him alone Gary!” Robbie shouts suddenly making me flinch._

_The entire hall is silent, everyone is looking at Robbie shocked and ever so slightly unnerved, none more so than me. I don’t get why he is so protective of me, why he speaks to me the most and hangs around with me more than the others, but he just does._

_“Alright” Gary says defensively. “Sorry Mark” He says to me this time and I just smile at him._

_The tension in the room is icy now, so awkward that I can no longer stay, so I turn and leave. I love the fact that Robbie is so protective of me and feels the need to watch out for me even though he is the younger one, but in doing so he acts meaner to other people and I just don’t like it. I feel guilty that people have to suffer the backlash of Robbie’s anger just because he thinks that I can’t fend for myself, I know that he only does it because he cares, but he takes it too far sometimes, a lesson I learnt several years after._

It’s strange which memories come back to you before others. You would think that the most eventful ones would come barrelling through your mind at lightning speed, eager to be recognised once again, but it is in fact those memories that take the longest to return. It may be down to the fact that they are usually the longest stories to tell, ones which contain the most detail and hold the most powerful emotions, which takes longer to put together than others. However it may simply be because your mind is just not ready to revisit the memory just yet and so it suppresses it deep within your mind, it’s a memory that would rather be forgotten than remembered, but it’s so iconic and important that you can never forget it, no matter how hard you try. They are always the darker stories of your life.

...

I walk closer and closer to the recording studio, closer and closer to more memories of the past, closer and closer to Robbie, closer and closer to the pain.

_1993_

_‘He loves me!? He said he loves me!? What the hell does he mean he loves me!? Oh god this can’t be happening, I’m not ready for this! I never thought this would happen so fast’ I pace up and down my dressing room, running my hands through my floppy hair while replaying Robbie’s words in my head over and over._

_“I love you Mark alright! I really fucking love you and I want to be with you! I never want to be without you!”_

_I can’t believe it! He feels the same! He actually feels the same and I just ran out on him after he’d said something like that! ‘Oh you idiot Owen, you stupid bloody idiot!’ I don’t even know why I ran, I should be happy, I am happy, but I’m just so scared of what happens next. Questions and doubts fill my mind, telling me go for it and others saying I should run for the hills and never look back, I just don’t know what to do. ‘You love him you moron, be with him! No what if everything goes wrong, what if it’s just a phase, what if he hurts you or you hurt him and you lose him forever? But you LOVE him!’_

_A knocking on my door interrupts my argument with myself. I freeze and stare at the door wide eyed. I may not have see through vision (or any special powers for that matter) but I know that it's Robbie who is stood on the other side of that door._

_I stare at the door handle. If I turn it then I open my life and my heart to Robbie, I let him in and become a part of my life. If I leave it closed then I break his heart, therefore protecting my own from hurt because I am terrified that everything will go wrong. I have two options now, two paths to take, but only one decision. I think and think and think over everything, over what could be and what is, what was and what will become and only one thing sticks out in that moment. The overwhelming feeling of warmth in my heart when Robbie told me how I felt._

_My decision was made in that second, I turned the door handle and I let Robbie in._

_The second the door opens I see Robbie’s eyes light up brighter than I have ever seen them before and I don’t think my smile has ever stretched as wide as it does in that moment. He leaps forwards and wraps his arms around me while I do the same to him, hugging for longer than we ever have before, our hearts beating in sync with each other as we clutched at one another’s bodies in a bid to get even closer together._

_In that moment I don’t think I have ever been happier, I took a risk and I was so glad that I did, but was that choice be the biggest regret of my life? I would only find out until the far future._

I sigh as I walk down the streets of Los Angeles, the studio slowly creeping into view, wondering if I could have been spared all of this pain if I had only chosen a different path all those years ago. There is no changing events now, and there is no changing the inevitable event of meeting Robbie again, all I can hope is that I will be able to stand being in the same room as him after what he did, maybe I can even bring myself to forgive him.

...

All too quickly I arrive at the studio doors, the place where all five of us will be reunited after so long, the place where I will set eyes on Robbie Williams again after 15 years. I stayed standing there for ages, just staring at the door that would lead to all the memories, to all the hurt and I didn’t know if I could do it. I was there again, back in 1993 deciding whether to open the door or not, but this time it wasn’t just for Robbie, it was for Gary, Howard and Jason too and I couldn’t let them down, not after everything.

I turn the handle and slowly creep into the building. I can hear chatter, but only two or three voices speak and suddenly my hear leaps. _‘Maybe Robbie isn’t here! Maybe I won’t have to face him!’_ I feel overjoyed for a few moments as I walk through the corridors to the recording room, peering around the door frame to see Gary, Jason and Howard talking amongst each other. I suddenly feel relaxed, calm and safe with them around and I willingly allow my presence to be known. 

“Markie!” Gary greets me in his usual way, big hug and kiss on the cheek which I return gladly and easily.

“How are you mate?” Howard asks as he too pulls he close for a cuddle.

“Okay I guess” I say quietly as I turn to Jason for a final hug.

“Robbie?” Gary asks, sensing my uneasy mood about the situation.

“Yeah,” I say quietly, looking down and fiddling with my fingers.

“You’d have had to face him sooner or later Mark. It’s been 15 years, it’s time to move on and just be happy around each other again. If Gaz and Rob can put their quarrels aside, then I am sure you two can sort yourselves out no problem” Jason tells me, his wise words flowing gracefully through my ears.

“Gaz and Rob’s issues aren’t like the ones I have with Robbie though are they?” I say and all three men shuffle awkwardly on their feet, knowing full well that I was right. “I just don’t know if I can forgive him”

“You haven’t seen him for years Mark, you’ll never know how you’ll feel towards him until you see him again” Howard points out and it is a logical point, which is true. How can I know what my feelings to Robbie are when I haven’t seen him in over a decade?

“I know but I’m still scared. I just hate all the memories that are coming back to me from the 90s, all the hurt” I say trying to keep my composure.

“Oh Markie, life is too short to wallow in the past. You have to find a way to move forward sand be happy! We’re working together as a five again, we’re going to have to get along if this is ever going to work” Gary tells me.   
  
“I can’t promise that it isn’t going to be awkward guys, I’m sorry” I tell them all, feeling that I have disappointed them. “It’s hard for me you know? I loved him” Those last three words bring cracks to my heart along with more memories.

_1994_

_I have something warm wrapped around me while I sleep, it’s one of my favourite feelings, a feeling of safety and security and love, I’ll never get tired of feeling it. Then I feel the bursts of air against my neck and the moist lips against my skin, bringing feelings of passion and even stronger forms of love. I smile in my sleep before I slowly allow my eyelids to flicker open, seeing two bulky arms around my waist._

_“Morning Markie” Robbie whispers._

_“Morning” I say back, turning to lay down flat and look up at him on his side smiling down at me._

_“We’ve got rehearsals today” Robbie tells me as he stretches and rests his head on my chest, giving himself a few more minutes of relaxation before all the work begins._

_“I know, and we can’t be late again otherwise Nigel will kill us” I remind him as I run my fingers through his hair making him hum happily._

_“I ain’t scared of that weasel” Robbie chuckles._

_“No you should be scared of me ‘cause I am not being late again thanks to you, so you had better be on time today otherwise I am leaving without you” I smile sweetly at him when he glares at me in irritation._

_“You know I love my sleep Markie” Robbie moans, flopping his head back on my chest making me grunt._

_“That’s not the impression I got from last night” I say cheekily._

_“Ahhh, so therefore it’s your fault we’re late because you keep me up all night!” Robbie finalises confidently._

_“Well if I can keep you up, then surely I can wake you up as well” I say, moving down to press a long kiss onto his lips. Robbie responds instantly, kissing me back with equal force and hunger, moving so he is on top of me, suddenly full of energy._

_We continue to just lay in bed and kiss for a while, enjoying each other’s touch and taste, something else that I could never get bored of feeling, until we reluctantly pull apart and get ready for the day’s work._

_..._

_“Left right forward left right spin and down!” The choreographer shouts at us as we practice out dance moves for our tour. “Okay take 5 boys” He tells us after a good hour and a half of practicing._

_We all slump down onto the hall floor, Gary pretty much making a starfish shape on the ground which we all laugh at. I crawl over to him and kneel next to him, looking down at his face in amusement._

_“You okay Gaz?” I ask him._

_“Yeah I’ll be fine Markie, I’ll be fine” He pants, clearly exhausted._

_“Aww Gary you tired?” I ask in a childish voice. Gary only nods while pouting his lips at me._

_“Has Gaz died Marko?” Howard calls._

_“Nah he’s okay, just a bit worn out!” I tell him with a giggle._

_“That routine wasn’t even hard! Me and Howard can come up with stuff ten times better than that! But oh no, we’re not good enough to put forward ideas according to Nigel” Jason says irritably._

_“I’ll stick with this stuff! You two will make me to back flips and spin on my head fuck that!” Gary protests, sitting up in a flash nearly sending me flying. “Oh sorry Mark” Gary says, grabbing my hands to stop me falling over before pulling me to him for a bear hug._

_“I’d watch it Gary, Robbie might get jealous!” Howard whispers, purposely loud enough for everyone to hear._

_“Paws off Gaz!” Robbie tells him, narrowing his eyes in Gary’s direction with a smirk on his face._

_I decide to go over to Robbie who pulls me to sit between his legs and hug his arms around my waist from behind, pulling me so that my back rests against his chest. “Happy now Robbie?” I ask sweetly.  
  
“Much better” Robbie mumbles, giving me a peck on the cheek. The others roll their eyes at us but I can tell that they are smiling on the inside. I was so happy back then. _

...

We sit and chat for about ten minutes, I try to relax but it just won’t happen. I bite my nails anxiously as Robbie’s arrival draws closer and closer. A knock at the studio door makes me jump and I stare at the doorway leading to the recording room in fear. Gary rises from his seat and goes to let Robbie in while I sit frozen to the spot, dreading what will happen when I set eyes on him again.   
  
“Alright Rob” I hear Gary’s voice say happily, silence follows for a moment before Robbie replies.   
  
“I’m great Gazza, you?” His voice sounds happy and somehow different. My heart flinches when he speaks, like it knows what usually is associated with that voice, like it’s scared. Even though I am scared of seeing him again, there is a part of me that has missed his voice so much. The one that used to lull me into sleep, make me laugh, cheer me up and make me feel loved, I’ve missed him, and it’s only now that I realise just how much despite what he’s done.   
  
Gary walks through the doorway first, giving me a reassuring smile and sitting down on his chair before Robbie follows more slowly. I am thankful that I am sat furthest away, giving me a chance to run and hide if I need to.

The second Robbie appears from behind the hollow wall, my heart leaps and my breath catches in my throat. He’s barely changed much at all, more muscular, a few more age lines here and there, but he still has his cheeky look and bright green eyes. Somehow he looks more innocent, less menacing than he had been back in the late 90s, but I suppose that is what rehab does to a person, takes away the demons and replaces them with angels, or tries to at least.

Although more and more horrible memories flood back to me, some happy and joyful ones do too. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, finally we have seen each other again, the moment that has been put off for so long has finally happened, though what will come of it I am unsure. Part of me wants to run up to Robbie and wrap my arms around him, kiss every inch of his face and let him consume me like he had done all those years ago into a blissful paradise where I am safe and warm, but the other part, the stronger part wants to run from here and never look back.

When Robbie enters the room for the first time he has a smile on his face, but the second he sets eyes on me it’s wiped away. His eyes start to glisten with guilt and regret while his face mirrors those feelings of loss and pain by his upset expression. There was a time when I would have hated to see that look on his face and in his eyes, but right now, after everything he did, it felt good to see _him_ hurt for once, however much it pained me to see it, I’ve been waiting to see it for fifteen years. He finally realises what he did to me.

The tension in the room has sizably increased, everyone feels awkward but we push on with the greet regardless, this needs to happen, for all of our sakes. Robbie goes to Howard first, putting on his smile once more and hugging him tightly, and doing the same with Jason. I stand as he draws closer to me, the tension growing stronger as we get closer. It’s like we are two magnets with the same polls, we repel each other and it’s gets harder and harder for us to become one the closer we get. Maybe one day, one of us will change so that we may become attracted once more.

“Mark” Robbie says when he reaches me.

I say nothing, just smile weakly in his direction and I see the disappointment fill his face after I make no effort to say a word to him. Robbie moves in for a hug, but before he can I step back and hold my hand out instead. Robbie looks down at my outstretched hand like he didn’t have a clue what to do with it, we’d always greeted each other with a hug, so a handshake was alien to him, but I’m not ready for a full on hug at the moment. He slowly takes my hand and shakes it, a nervous smile on his face before he turns away and sits down on the sofa with Gary.

The others are too looking decidedly shocked at our greeting. I can understand their confusion, back in the 90s myself and Robbie couldn’t keep our hands of each other, always hugging, kissing and being close to one another, but ten years does a lot to a person, especially to me, and especially after what happened between us. I hate the look on Robbie’s face at this moment. Sadness, rejection, and regret are all that he gives out, but only I really sense the regret, because I am the only one who knows what it is he regrets, the others don’t, and I doubt they ever will.

...

“Guys this is going brilliantly! Number 1 I can feel it!” Gary exclaims happily after playing back what we have done for a first song “The Flood” I love the song, it’s amazing and we have all written it together which is the most special thing.   
  
“Mark did you get those extra melodies done?” Howard asks.   
  
“Yeah yeah they’re on my laptop” I tell him.   
  
“Awesome cuz I need to start thinking of some baking vocals to go with it” Howard tells me.   
  
“Can you play us what you have got Markie?” Gary asks.   
  
“Sure” I grab my laptop and hook it up to the speakers, pressing play on what I have come up with and look at the guys reactions. They have grins on their faces at they listen which makes me feel a whole lot better about it.   
  
“That’s brilliant Mark!” Jason tells me once the sample was over.

“Cheers Jay” I say happily.

“That is defiantly going in, right guys?” Gary asks everyone and there is a collected nod of agreement.   
  
“Has anyone got any lyrics for this or a different song at all?” Gary calls to everyone as he uploads my melodies to his main computer.   
  
“I’ve got something Gazza!” Robbie replies, looking up from his pad that he has been scribbling on since he arrived. He hands Gary the pad and as Gary reads his eyebrows raise, and at several point he looks at me and I can only guess why.   
  
“This is beautiful Rob, I love it” Gary tells him.   
  
“How does it go?” Howard asks curiously.   
  
Gary hesitates before reading, looking at me again before he begins to read what Robbie has written.

_“And outside forces didn't make it easy  
So I thought I'd go before you leave me  
Self preservation was no explanation for anything_

_Oh but the truth is more than we'll ever comprehend  
I've just started to understand my friend   
All of that distance cause I fell in love with the enemy_ _  
  
This all that matters now  
And that was all that happened anyhow  
You can look back but don't stare  
Maybe I can love you out of there  
  
And when I went away   
What I forgot to say was all I had to say   
Eight letter three words one meaning”_

“Wow” Jason breaths once Gary had finished.   
  
“Wow indeed” Gary agrees.  
  
I just sit there not saying anything. The song is about me, I know it is, the lyrics say it all, but I can’t just forgive and forget just like that. I look over to Robbie who is already staring at me, reading me for a sign that I might be giving into his apologies. I’m not. Not yet. I stare back and all I see in his eyes is remorse and I can’t stand to look at it, not matter how much I hate him for what he did, I do still love him deep down, and that’s that hardest part of it all.   
  
I stand abruptly and walk out of the room; I needed space, air, a way to get my head around all of this. I take a deep breath once the cool and cold breeze hits me. I put my hands on the railing of the balcony outside our recording studio and look out, just thinking about everything, about what happened that day.   
  
_“Robbie stop it just stop it please!”  
“Why are you doing this!?”   
“I can do what I like Mark! You can’t tell me what to do!”   
“Robbie you’re hurting me!”  
“Just shut up!”   
Blood, Tears, Bruises, Pain, Sorrow, Loss.   
“I’m leaving Mark”   
“You can’t go!”   
“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay”   
“What about me?”   
“You’ll be better off”   
“But I love you”   
“Maybe it’s time you stopped, because I don’t think I was ever as deep as you are”   
_  
“You think I don’t regret what happened?”   
  
I jump as a voice speaks out from behind me. I know who it is, it couldn’t be anyone else.   
  
“Oh I know you regret it, you just seem to think that I’ve forgiven you”   
  
“Have you?”   
  
“No”   
  
“I didn’t think so”   
  
“What made you think I ever would?”   
  
A pause “I don’t know, I know I’ll never forgive myself, but I just hoped that, just maybe, you would be able to forgive me just one more time”   
  
“It’s been ten years. I knew that seeing you again would bring it all back and it has, and I hate it.”   
  
“Then why don’t you leave?”

“I can’t let the other’s down. I’m doing this for them, not for you”   
  
“I hate what I did to you Mark, I can’t even look myself in the mirror without seeing a stranger. I wasn’t myself back then and I’m still not me now. I can feel me coming back though, seeing you makes me feel like I used to, makes me realise what I lost”   
  
“My heart bleeds for you”   
  
“Please Mark, just look at me”   
  
I slowly turn around to see a teary eyes Robbie stood before me. I should hate to see him in such an emotional and painful way, but too much anger is coursing through me to even care. Robbie pleads with me, his lip begins to tremble as a stare at him impassively, knowing just how much damage he’s done.   
  
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I’ve got help since then, I’m not that person anymore but I’m still not me, and I can’t be me without you” He practically begs me for some form of emotion but I don’t give it to him.   
  
“You still did it though Rob, you think I can just forget that!?” I ask stunned.   
  
“I’m not asking you to forget” He tells me.   
  
“I can’t anyway” I mumbled “Even if I tried”   
  
“What?” He asks in confusion.   
  
“You don’t know!?” I ask in shock. I always thought he knew just how much damage he did, maybe I was wrong.   
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Mark” He insists.   
  
“I have scars Robbie, you left your mark on my in more ways than you thought” I tell him.   
  
Robbie’s eyes widen in horror, tears spilling from his eyes and falling down his cheeks. He stares at me in pure shock, he really had no idea just what he did to me that day, and all I can do is look back. What does he expect me to say? Neither of us can do anything about it now, it’s done, by his hands it was done.   
  
“Can...c..can I s..see?” Robbie asks, the tears never stopping.   
  
I sigh and remove my jacket, dropping it to the floor so I am now in my short sleeved T-Shirt. I turn slightly so that my right arm in facing Robbie and pull up the sleeve on that arm ever so slightly. Robbie gasps when he sees the scars. Four small ones in a line going up my arm, Robbie edges closer ever so slowly, becoming more and more distraught as he is able to see more clearly. He reaches up his right hand and places the finger tips of his fingers over the scars, showing how they were made. He retracts his hand swiftly and steps back again, I reach for my jacket and put it back on, hiding the scars away.

“I did that!?” Robbie asks, his breathing fast and ragged.   
  
“Yeah you did” I tell him, no anger or hurt radiating from me, just fact.   
  
“I never knew...I didn’t...it shouldn’t...I...I’m so sorry” Robbie just stares at me not sure what he could say. I just shrug my shoulders at him, which only really seems to make him even more upset. “I’ve lost you”   
  
“D’you know what the saddest thing is?” I ask and Robbie shakes his head and fresh tears fall. “I never stopped loving you, even after everything you did, I just couldn’t bring myself to” I tell him as me own eyes fill with the hated salty water.   
  
“Well that’s one thing that stayed the same then, our love for each other, because I still love you Mark, I always will and if I can’t have you then I don’t want anyone else. I still think about those days before I fucked it all up, how happy we used to be, how much I miss it. If I could take it all back Mark then I would but I can’t, and I can’t make you forgive me, I’m amazing you can stand being in the same room as me after what I’ve done. I still have the memories though, and I intend to hold onto them, because that was the only time I've ever been really happy. I’m sorry Mark, sorry for the pain, the hurt and the heartache, and if you never want to see me again after this then I’ll understand, just know that I’ll always love you, till the day I die”

Robbie then turns as walks back into the studio, leaving me out on the balcony, not knowing what to do anymore. I want to forgive him and be happy again, so so much, but I don’t know if I can, what if he hurts me again?

...

Fifteen minutes after our talk, I wander back into a tense and awkward studio. Howard, Jason and Gary and busy working, or trying to at least because the tension between me and Robbie is such a huge distraction, you’d have to be stupid not to notice it. I sit on the sofa away from Robbie, fold my leg under the other, grab my laptop and get back to work.

My mind slowly starts to wonder back to the lyrics Robbie had written, how heartfelt they sounded and how much emotion he must have put into them. The fact that he is writing them about me just makes them harder to ignore. My heart is screaming at me to just forgive him and be happy again because that is all it really wants   , but my head only lets me think of what he did to me, drowning out my hearts cries and silencing them so I can no longer hear them.   
  
I suddenly get an e-mail from Gary. I look up and over at him but he just pretends that he doesn’t notice. I open the e-mail to see some more song lyrics.   
  
_“Just listen to your heart, not the voices in your head,  
Forget how it made you feel, but don’t forget what was said,   
Tears are words that we can touch, when words only say so much.   
  
And don't say goodbye to the world_ _  
Until you've loved somebody  
Don't say goodbye to the world  
Until you've lived like kings and queens  
I'll be the first, the last thing that you see  
But don't say goodbye to me” _

_I don’t know what has happened between you and Robbie, I don’t know how bad it is or what he did to you, but I know how much you love him and I can see how much it’s eating you up inside. It’s killing him too Mark, he was in a state when he walked in, but I don’t know maybe he deserves to feel that way. I hate seeing you both like this, I just want you both to be happy again, I know I can’t help resolve whatever has happened, but just try to find a way to move on, for both of your sakes.  
  
I can see you still love each other after all this time. Surely that must say something?_

I sigh when I finish reading the e-mail. I’m just making everyone around me feel awkward by allowing this to happen. I look up at Gary and catch him looking pleadingly at me. I can’t stand that fact that I am making other’s feel upset because of what me and Robbie have been through, I always hate bringing other’s into my problems, they don’t deserve to go through my shit, it’s just not fair.   
  
“I need to head off, guys” I declare to everyone, standing and grabbing my coat and making my way to the exit.   
  
“What’s up Mark?” Jason asks in concern.   
  
“I just need to go” I tell him, and everyone else before I walk out of the door, leaving them all confused and decidedly worried about me.

...

That evening I just sit on the side of my bed in my hotel room, thinking about everything, what I should do, Robbie, the guys, this new record, our fans, I think it all through and still can’t think of what I should decide. Forgive Robbie or not? I place my head in my hands and let the tears stream down my face, I sob uncontrollably as everything comes down on my like a tonne of bricks, it’s all falling apart, it isn’t right, isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t know which decision is the right one to take. All I keep thinking about is that day, that hideous day back in 1996.   
  
_1996_

_Robbie is out late again. He’s out on the drink yet again. I don’t know how or why he has suddenly started obsessing over being out and drinking, getting overly pissed and throwing up everywhere when he gets home. I noticed the change in him a year ago, but it’s just got worse and worse. It scares me the state he comes back home in sometimes, I’m scared that he is going to end up killing himself with the amount he has. Deep down I believe that it’s been developing for a long long time and I did nothing to try and stop it, oh how I regret that now._

_He never used to do it, he always used to spend his time cuddling with me and spending time with me, not anymore, he’s found other things to do, better things, and it hurts, it hurts so damn much.  
  
At 3:17am Robbie stumbles through the door. I’m still lying awake seeing as I can never sleep until I know he is home safely. I don’t think he realises what he is doing to me by drinking day after day, and maybe it’s time I told him. I get out of bed and stomp down the stairs to see Robbie in the kitchen sat at the dining table, completely out of his head.   
  
“Enjoy your night out?” I ask making him jump.   
  
“If you’re here to give me a lecture then you may as well save your breath cuz I don’t wanna hear it” Robbie slurs.  
  
“I think that it’s about time you got a lecture Robbie!” I shout and Robbie’s hand goes to his head as his face crunches up in pain.    
  
“Don’t shout my head is pounding” He mumbles.   
  
“Oh poor you Robbie. Did you ever stop to think about what all of this drinking is doing to me!? I lay in bed at night worried sick about you being out pissed every night! Whether you’re lying in an alley in a puddle of your own vomit, whether you’ve got into a fight and got yourself beaten up, whether you’ll never come home one night! You could fucking kill yourself Robbie what the fuck is wrong with you!?” I shout.   
  
“If I want to go out and drink I fucking well will okay!” Robbie bites back, standing from the table.   
  
“Why!? Why suddenly start now!? You never used to, you used to spend time with me but not anymore, what’s the matter is there someone else? Someone better? Do you not love me anymore!?” I ask him bitterly. _

_“Oh for fuck sake Mark stop going on at me!” Robbie wines. “I’ve had fun tonight why do you have to ruin it all the time!? Why are you always on my case day and fucking night!” Robbie screams, thrashing him arm over the worktop and knocking everything onto the floor, a huge smashing sound filling the kitchen.  
  
I’m frozen to the spot. He’s never acted like this before and I don’t like it, I really don’t like it. I’m terrified right now.   
  
“I am allowed to have my own life okay!” He screams.   
  
“Why are you doing this!?” I plead.   
  
“Because I want to, okay! I can do what I like Mark, you can’t tell me what to do!” Robbie cries, slamming his foot into the dining table, snapping the leg and sending it crashing to the floor. He them persists to punch the walls, door, cupboards, everything. Fearing he will hurt himself, I run and grab his arm.   
  
“Stop it Robbie just stop it!”I beg.   
  
“Fuck off Mark” Robbie shouts, wrenching his arm away and grabbing my own, digging his fingernails into the flesh of my arm so hard it makes me cry out. He pulls me close to him, the overpowering wretched stench of alcohol on his breath clear as day as he growls in my face. “You cannot dictate every fucking second of my life okay; if I want to drink I’ll drink and if I want to go out I will and if you don’t like it then that’s your tough shit!” I struggle to keep the tears from filling my eyes as I try and tear my arm from Robbie’s grip but he only holds on tighter, the pain almost unbearable.   
  
“Robbie you’re hurting me!” I cry, the tears falling down my cheeks. Robbie roughly lets me go and I look at my arm, blood oozing from the deep cuts Robbie made. I stare at Robbie wide eyed, he’s looking at my arm in confusion, like he can’t see what he’s done. And then I open my mouth again. “Who the hell are you!?”_

_“JUST SHUT UP!” Robbie screams, throwing his hand back to his me in the face. I stumble back and crash into the collapsed table, falling to the floor, yet more tears falling from my eyes. Robbie them storms out of the room, out the front door, slamming it with an echoing bang.  
  
I roll up into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest, hiding my bruised face away and cry until I have no energy left in me. The sobs wrack at my body, tearing me apart, I can barely feel the pain in my arm anymore. The blood runs down my arm as my tears flow down my face. Robbie hit he, he actually hurt me, my own boyfriend. It didn’t even matter to me that he was drunk, he still did it, and that is something I will never forget. _

_..._

_I wake in the morning still on the kitchen floor, the destruction from the night before still clear as day. I sit up, wincing at the pain in my arm, I feel so weak and so so sore, so hurt. I slowly get to my feet and head for the bathroom, getting a look at my arm. The cuts are crusted with dark dry blood, dark purple bruises covering most of my upper arm to match the one on my face as well. I still couldn’t believe Robbie would do this to me, I don’t know him anymore, he isn’t the Robbie I fell in love with.  
  
I book an appointment with the hospital for the afternoon so they can check my arm over, best to be safe than sorry. After that I change into some clean clothes, binning the ones covered in blood and persist to try and tidy the kitchen up. I give up trying to sort the table out after lifting it sends searing pain through my right arm. I haven't heard a thing from Robbie since the night before and I'm dreading him walking back through that door, but I will have to wait to see what happens. _

_..._

_After the hospital appointment I head straight back home. They said that the cuts were very bad and would leave scars; they cleaned them up as much as they could and bandaged my arm up. It felt a lot better than it had done, but it still hurt, mostly on the inside. I walk into my house to see suitcases at the bottom of the stairs, and then Robbie walking down them carrying another behind him.  
  
When he spots me he freezes, staring at my face, my bruise, with pain in his eyes. He looks away after a couple of seconds, refusing to look at what he’s done for a moment longer.   
  
“W-what are you doing?” I ask shakily.   
  
“I’m leaving Mark” Robbie tells me as he sets the last of his suitcases with the others, his head hung in shame. _

_“What?” I say in shock “You can’t go!”  
  
“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay” He says sadly, his eyes full of tears.   
  
“What about me?” I ask.   
  
“You’ll be better off” He replies confidently, like he thinks this is the best thing he can do.  
  
“But I love you” I whisper. Part of me asks myself why I am even bothering, why I should care about him after what he’s done to me, but I can’t stop loving him, no matter what I just can’t.  
  
“Maybe it’s time you stopped, because I don’t think I was ever as deep as you are” Robbie mutters quietly. I feel my heart snap at his words. He didn’t love me as much as I thought he did!? But he always used to say it, every day, all the time! I can see in his eyes that he is lying, but he needs an excuse to leave and after what he did to me I don’t have the strength to fight much more.   
  
“Fine” I whisper, walking past him into the living room. I see from the corner of my eye Robbie’s head turning to follow me, giving me one last look, he opens the front door and walks out with his cases, leaving me stood in the middle of the lounge with my arms wrapped around myself like I am hugging myself.   
  
He’s gone, my Robbie has gone. I don’t know why it’s eating me up inside, why it’s causing my heart to break but it still is. This was all Robbie’s doing, he has lost more than I have and I hope one day he will realise that.   
_ So that is what happened. That is why all the awkwardness, pain, hurt and regret exists. I sometimes wonder if that is the reason why I feel I can never forgive Robbie, because what if he does something like that again? I know he’s been into rehab and has been sober for several years now, but part of me is still terrified of him, and that is the part that is stopping me from moving on. I wasn’t myself from that day forwards.   
  
...

The next morning I don’t go to the studio. My phone gets flooded with phone calls and texts as a result but I ignore every single one, I just need time to think. I get out of my hotel room, taking my phone with me for some bizarre reason, but I felt I need it with me just in case. I walk around the streets of LA, trying to find somewhere to think, somewhere calm and after a while I stumble across a huge public garden, I enter and hide myself away amongst the green of the trees.   
  
I couldn’t think of what to do anymore. I’d re-lived that awful time in my life, somehow from a different perspective. It was like I was looking into what happened rather than myself being a part of it and this time I saw more of how Robbie hated himself for what he’d done, but then I had every right to be scared and to not want anything to do with him again, but it’s been ten years since then. I still feel the hurt even now, still remember how petrified I was and I hate those feelings and I can’t hide the fact that it was Robbie who made me feel that way.   
  
Then the second part of me keeps saying that Robbie has changed. He doesn’t drink anymore, which is the main reason why he did that to me in the first place. He’s said sorry, several times and he’s tried to claw back at least some form of friendship, try and hold onto what he has left of me, be it only a small part, but the most important part. My heart. He still has it, I never fully took it back from him, and I can sense how hard he is trying to grip onto it, but all the cracks are making it easier for it to slip away from his fingers and making it harder for him to hold on.   
  
I don’t know how long I was sat under the huge oak tree I’d picked out at random, just thinking and thinking about everything, my thoughts flickering from my side to Robbie’s side, to wanting to be with him again back to wanting to run away. My mind was just so confused and when I finally snapped out of my intense thoughts I realised just how dark it had gotten. I looked down at mu phone and my eyes widened at the amount of texts and calls I’d ignored after putting my phone on silent.

**89 missed calls**

**55 unread texts**

**28 voice mail messages**

It seems ridiculous to me at first, having that much fuss made over me, but I soon realise that after storming out suddenly last night, not speaking to any of the boys or to anyone since, I've been gone for a whole day. They must be worried sick about me, are probably out searching for me right now. I check the time on my phone. 11pm. I suddenly feel as though I've been gone for long enough now and decide to head back to the safety of my hotel and comfort of my bed.   
  
Standing from the tree I look around the woodland part of the gardens I'm in to find that it's pitch black, with only a few street lamps down the pathways lighting a route out of where I was. The atmosphere is eerie and quite frightening and I then regret my decision to go out for so long and curse my easily wandering mind for letting me drift away for so long. I swiftly follow the path out of the gardens and I’m onto the dark lonely streets of LA once more.   
  
I make my way back to my hotel as fast as possible and as I get just around the corner I spot Robbie stood outside the hotel’s entrance. He’s pacing, running his hands through his hair and biting his nails, all signs of nerves. He’s worried about me, really worried and I can’t help but feel bad.   
  
“Robbie!” I call as I walk over. His head snaps up and his face shows nothing but pure relief.   
  
“Where the hell have you been!? Why haven’t you answered your phone!? We’ve been worried sick! Are you okay? Where did you go? What were you doing? Why’d you run off!?” Robbie frantically throws questions at me and I struggle to keep up with most of them.   
  
“Robbie calm down!” I shout, halting his bombardment of queries. “I’m fine okay, I just needed to think”   
  
“You could have done that in your hotel room! Not out in the streets where god knows what could have happened!?” He demands.   
  
“You’ve gotta get up and get away sometimes” I say simply, shrugging my shoulders.   
  
Robbie thinks for a moment, looking down at his feet and tentatively asking his next question “What were you thinking about?”   
  
“Us” I tell him. He nods to himself, shuffling awkwardly on his feet. I gaze at him, how much he’s changed, how he’s matured and yet managed to keep his cheeky boyish charm about him. His eyes still have their sparkle, still their beautiful shade of green, his hair is thicker and fluffier, he is more muscular, stronger and a whole lot more protective. His smile still makes me shiver and his laugh still makes my stomach flip. I’ve missed him more than I realised.   
  
“And...what did you decide?” Robbie whispers.   
  
I stay silent for a while, just looking at him, doing yet more thinking before I decide that I am sick of just _thinking_ all the time. All I want to do is what my heart is telling me to do, only then will all this weight be lifted from my shoulders, will I finally be happy and finally have what I want, no more complications, no more stress and no more debating.   
  
I rock back on my heels, back to the flats of my feet and then lean forward, my forehead coming to rest on Robbie’s chest. I feel him flinch at the contact, but soon after he ever so slowly folds his arms around my back, tentatively pulling me closer. I wrap my own arms around his waist and press my cheek to his chest instead, squeezing him tightly making Robbie hold me closer, nuzzling his nose into the top of my head and breath heavily in shock.   
  
We stand in our embrace for several minutes, my eyes close as I get used to the feeling of being in Robbie’s arms again, how I’ve missed the feeling, how safe and warm I feel now even after everything. He feels different to hold, but a good different, a different that I am more than happy with. I grip a handful of Robbie’s jacket while he runs his fingers through my hair, his face now buried in my shoulder, the initial shock gone; now he’s relaxed and is too re-adjusting back to the ways he used to hold me, he’s still as good as he ever was.   
  
Robbie pulls away ever so slightly; he keeps his arms around me as he speaks again. “S-so we’re friends again now?” He asks.   
  
“Always” I tell him.   
  
“Any...thing... anything... m-more?” Robbie asks me shyly, almost like he doesn’t want to repel me away after out hug, yet he doesn’t understand why I mean.   
  
“What you mean, like us getting back together?” I ask him.   
  
“Y...yeah? You said you’d thought about it so I thought that would come under I’m sorry Mark I only wanted to be sure” Robbie starts to stammer, and to answer his question and shut him up at the same time I lean up and press my lips onto his for a few seconds before pulling away.   
  
As Robbie stares at me wide eyed, I decide to explain “I’ve thought Robbie, I’ve done enough bloody thinking and I just want you back in my life again. Yeah, you hurt me but you regret it, you’re sorry and you’ve sorted yourself out since then, you’ve changed for the better so why should I be scared anymore? I’ve missed you so much in these ten years, and my feelings for you haven’t changed in the slightest, I just needed to know how you felt, weather you were still that Robbie back in 1996 and you’re not anymore! You’re the Robbie before all of that happened, you’re _my_ Robbie again and I want you back”   
  
“Mark I never meant what I said back then. I never meant to do to you what I did and if I could take it back that I wouldn’t hesitate to. I haven’t stopped thinking about you ever since that day when I walked out of your life and from the band, I was so miserable so lonely and going solo was my only way to stop feeling like that, it gave me something else to think about. I never stopped loving you and I’ve always dreamt of us being together again, but I never thought it would happen after what I did, why would you bother with me after that? Mark I swear now I will never treat you like that ever again, I’m different now and I promise I’ll treat you like you deserve to be. I love you so damn much Mark and I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this” Robbie has tears down his face at this point, as do I listening to him.   
  
I just throw my arms around his neck, that’s all I can think of to do. At last, after ten years of being apart we’re both back where we should be, in each other’s arms and loving each other just as much as we always did.   
  
Once we have both calmed down, we look into each other’s eyes, no more words needing to be said before our lips lock again in a passionate kiss, all the pain, hurt, regret and sorrow from the past gone.   
  
At last.   
  
I’m happy again.   
  
I’m loved again.   
  
I’m me again. _  
_


End file.
